Two Lists for a Better Life

I agree with the psychologists who believe there are only two fundamental human emotions from which all other emotions originate. These two emotions are love and fear. Some psychologists argue that there are up to eight basic emotions. This is because they love to come up with labels and categories for everything. However, all mental health professionals agree that one of the fundamental human emotions is fear.

Living under the effects of fear

Whenever you encounter an obnoxious person, remember that they are likely living in fear.

• Envy is a manifestation of fear.

• Bullying is a manifestation of fear.

• Dishonesty is a manifestation of fear.

• Anxiousness is a manifestation of fear.

• Losing one’s temper is a manifestation of fear.

Keep your emotional distance

One of the worst ways to react to difficult people is to take their behavior personally. Don’t let those struggling with fear make you believe that you're their problem.

This is why patience, long-suffering, peacefulness, and other positive attributes are so important. They act to separate you from the other person’s suffering.

It's not just them

You and I aren't entirely different than everyone else. We have our own struggles. So how can we defend ourselves against our own rude, demanding, and foolish thoughts, feelings, and actions?

One technique to help us understand ourselves is to write a list.

The first list

Grab the largest piece of paper you can find. Find a pen or pencil with the finest point because you’re about to write a very long list.

Start at the top-left corner of the page (small margins) and begin listing your fears. The big ones, the small ones, the silly ones, the justifiable ones, the new ones, and the old ones. All of them. Don’t stop until you’ve written at least fifty.

Then hide the list somewhere for a few days. Do not analyze it or even read what you wrote. Don’t think about it, and don’t show it to anyone. After a few days, retrieve the list and add any additional fears that come to mind.

After weeks of doing this repeatedly, you may then look at your list and try to combine your long list of fears until you're left with only a few. You might group “fear of failure” with “fear of getting fired from your work.” Or you may combine “fear of your husband getting angry with you” with “fear of being judged.” How you combine them is up to you.

The goal is to reduce your number of fears down to three—or even one.

Now you can take some time to think about how to overcome your remaining fear(s). You may then—and only then—disclose your fear(s) to a friend who can offer tips and encouragement. Your friend may be surprised you even have such torments, which tells you something right away.

One way to reduce the impact of your remaining fears in your life is to act in the opposite way your fears accuse you of being. Instead of failing, succeed at something. Instead of being lazy, do some extra work.

Imagine how much better your life would be if you reduced the impact of your fears even a little. I believe it would be life-changing.

It’s about love

The purpose of the list isn’t to prove how weak and fragile you are. Instead, simplifying the list is an act of love. Would you rather hear emotionally charged, heated lectures for hours on end, or a few, brief, well-worded, carefully arranged suggestions?

Your simplified list is the latter.

What about the second list?

You’re going to love the second list. Compared to the first, it will be fun, and you will thank me.

This second list is a record of every way your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or other close person annoys you and makes you feel awful, judged, distressed, or put down.

Make it a long, wonderful, juicy, rich, tasty list. Leave nothing out. Point out every flaw and irritating habit. Don’t stop until you’ve filled both sides of two sheets of paper. This is your chance to get even!

Just as you did with the first list, keep it hidden for a few days. Periodically, go back and add more complaints, justified or not.

It’s not about keeping score. Do not show it to the person. In fact, you will never do so. Never ever.

Why make this list?

The minute you write down your complaints, many will seem petty to you. Many will leave your mind immediately. What does this tell you? See, you’re already learning!

Eventually, you’ll do with the second list what you did with your first list. You’ll combine the person's imperfections until you’ve ended up with one to three.

You’ll then begin to understand why the person has those obnoxious traits and behaviors. They will be based on the person's fears.

Throw away the person's original long list of awful irritations and keep the short list that remains hidden away (or memorize it).

Show love accordingly

What you then do is show love to the person to alleviate his or her dominant fears. Don’t disclose that you’re doing this. The person will feel, “Wow, she gets me,” even though she may never tell you.

The intensity and frequency of the person's irritating traits may decrease. However, even if they don’t, you will gain a better understanding of him, which will make it easier for you to deal with him.

You can then serve as an instrument in the person's life, helping him or her become a stronger, calmer, and more stable person.

By doing this, you are not fixing him. Instead, you are no longer contributing to her personal hell and, therefore, making it easier (clearing the way) for him to improve himself.

Embracing the journey

Ultimately, understanding fear and love is a lifelong journey. It’s about recognizing our own fears and the fears of others. By doing so, we can foster deeper connections with others.

Isn’t that what life is all about?