When faced with the decision of whether to engage in an emotionally charged argument, I have a strong recommendation for you:
Don’t.
You may say, "Everyone knows this." Well, everyone doesn't.
Below are four cases where arguing will only make your life worse. We could go on for hours and list a hundred of them, but they'll all have the same result: Don't engage.
Your boss is making you do something that is clearly incorrect or ineffective. Privately and calmly say, “If I do what you say, I believe XYZ will happen.” If your boss continues to insist on the matter, then at least you’ve warned your boss of what may happen.
Your boss insists that you do something you believe is immorally wrong. Your response is to privately and calmly express your values. If your boss doesn’t back down, you must obey your boss or start looking for another job.
If your teenager won’t do his or her chores, read “How to Get Your Teenagers to Adore You,” which explains how ideal parenting can be achieved without arguing with your children, no matter how unruly they are.
Your spouse tells you you’re doing the dishes incorrectly. Your response is to conform with her wishes or say, “You do the dishes your way, and that’s okay. I’ll do them my way.” If your spouse responds with “You use too much water,” or “It takes you too long,” or “You don’t fill up the dishwasher correctly,” then your spouse is more concerned about the dishes than about you. If your spouse continues to press the issue, stop doing the dishes and say, “Honey, I will get to these a little later.” If your spouse follows you around the house, continuing to insist, then you have more significant problems than dishes.
An effective way to avoid emotional arguing is to use one of the most powerful words in the English language. When someone tries to start a dispute with you by stating some point you disagree with, simply say,
“Okay.”
The argument stops there. By saying “Okay,” you’re not agreeing with the person’s position but are saying, “I acknowledge that you feel that way,” but without the wordiness.
Let’s say you believe I’m a terrible person, so you tell me, “You are a rotten, awful person.” I can respond with,
“Okay.”
If you keep harassing me about my awfulness, I will then walk away from you. The goal is to say as few words as possible during an emotional confrontation.
Raisins
Reporters often try to get movie stars and other entertainers to make political statements. When someone pressed Jerry Seinfeld about a political issue, his response was to talk about raisins.
I have yet to find a video of that exchange, but here is a video of Jerry Seinfeld talking about how he avoids public political discussions. His solution to the problem is both effective and hilarious.
Discussion versus argument
Unless you enjoy being miserable, you must know the difference between a discussion and an argument.
A discussion is an exchange of information where neither participant has an emotional investment in which side prevails.
An argument occurs when both participants have an emotional investment in which side prevails.
It takes two to argue. If one party declines to engage, the argument stops.
Friendly debate
I have a co-worker who occasionally sits down in my cubicle and starts a conversation with me, hoping I’ll debate with him on a particular subject. We never actually argue because our verbal maneuverings are for entertainment purposes. I believe I win most of the time, and he probably believes he wins most of the time. It’s fun because he’s good at picking at every flaw I utter—which apparently are many.
I was speaking with an older woman who recently became a widow. She told me she had never argued with her late husband. She explained that her husband would agree with her on any particular matter by saying, “Yes, dear,” but then go off and do it his way.
Let the listener decide
I never want to be in a situation where I must convince someone of something. This is because I’m so ineffective at it. I may have never convinced anyone of anything in my lifetime. But that is okay because as long as the listener can choose whether to accept or reject my counsel, the emotional stakes are low for both parties.
What if the outcome of the disagreement matters to you?
If you believe you are correct on an issue and the person speaking with you disagrees, both sides should express their points calmly and freely. Once everything has been communicated, you are allowed to solve the problem your way, and the other person is allowed to solve the problem his or her way.
Said simply,
“The person who does the work
gets to decide.”
When she cooks, she decides what and how to cook. When he cooks, he decides what and how to cook. When she disciplines the children, she decides how to do it. When he disciplines the children, he decides how to do it. This same approach applies to:
Washing clothes.
Cleaning house.
Paying bills.
Cooking meals
Handling money and bill paying.
Babysitting needs.
Choice of restaurants.
And so on.
Over time, it will become apparent whose solution is more effective. If neither method is more effective than the other, then what does it matter, and where’s the argument?
Must all parties agree?
No. However, it is never okay for one parent to override the other.
If the mother catches the child doing XYZ, then she (the mother) implements her discipline, and the father should not step in and override her.
If the father catches the child doing XYZ, then he (the father) implements his discipline, and the mother should not step in and override him.
It is not ideal for two parents not to agree on every aspect of childrearing. But the child must know that the mother will consistently discipline her way, and the father will always discipline his way. Two “consistent” approaches are not ideal but far better than parental arguing.
If either approach to childrearing is clearly flawed (such as not requiring any discipline), then the two parents have bigger problems than childrearing.
I feel better after presenting my case
Speaking for myself, when faced with a disagreement with someone, what matters to me the most is being allowed to express my point of view calmly. This allows me to be less emotionally bound to how the dispute works out. The other person then expresses his or her points. This should be true between husband and wife, parent and child, or employee and supervisor.
Assertion
Everyone must learn how to be assertive. Being assertive means expressing opinions and feelings clearly and directly without being outwardly emotional. It means communicating without losing emotional control, which is very difficult to do in emotionally threatening situations.
Long suffering
Some people have emotional issues they may never overcome. Associating with such individuals may be difficult for us for the rest of our lives. The way to be the happiest is to learn the skill of assertion and express our feelings and points of view. We don’t have to accept and embrace decisions we feel are incorrect. But we must learn how to get along.
Eventually, all of us will understand the truth, and then “rightness” will have a chance of prevailing. Such may take many years, if not an entire lifetime.
Being in an intolerable situation with no apparent solution is extremely difficult. What if you’re married to the perfect spouse you’ve had for 20 years who then has a stroke and her personality changes dramatically? Your life from that time on will be very difficult.
Who versus what
“Rightness” and “wrongness” seem absent from society nowadays. Instead, it’s all about “who wins.” If you’re consistently more worried about “who wins” over “what wins,” then you have a problem. You will get into heated, emotional arguments and will become increasingly angry and bitter.
I don’t want to have any part of that negativity.
I am right about that.
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