Funny Rocks
Updated: Dec 25, 2022
Given the growing number of satirical (humorous) websites that provide highly realistic but fake news articles, I thought I would try my hand at such an advanced, literary piece. I learned from this exercise that writing comedy requires mastery in all the rules of comedy PLUS all the rules of writing.
Below is my first attempt at a fake, satirical article.
Funny Rocks No Laughing Matter
Diamonds aren’t forever anymore. No one anticipated that the newly discovered "funny rock" would take first place in women’s jewelry worldwide. Homely but humorous is now the diamond standard. But this is not all! The drab but affable anodes are affecting more than the jewelry market:
Alcoholic drink industry is hit hard because people prefer funny rocks.
Clothing designers now provide clothing with hidden pockets for funny rocks.
Police use funny rocks when interviewing suspects.
Jurors are checked for funny rocks because judges get angry when they lose control of the courtroom.
Prisoners demand funny rocks in their cells.
Funny rock smuggling industry is a growing threat.
The government established a four-tier Funny Rock Classification System: A = Diverting; B = Jocular; C = Humdinger; D = Side-splitting.
Schools and mortuaries are increasingly becoming Funny Rock-Free Zones.
Sad countries with few funny rocks receive funny rock donations from countries with more funny rocks.
Funny rocks are prohibited within ten yards of aircraft cockpits.
Nefarious golfers use funny rocks to distract their competitors; comedians are strip-searched to make sure they’re not carrying funny rocks so they can’t cheat.
U.S. Armed Forces seek soldiers who are immune to weaponized funny rocks.
The most expensive funny rocks worn by movie stars and royalty are those that are funny and pretty.
“I accepted Zach’s marriage proposal because he had funny rocks in his back yard and didn’t even know it. He’s so sweet.” — Darlene Lichen, Hot Springs, Oklahoma
Funny rocks are most often found in areas where they must survive the brutal rigors of nature, such as the middle of Death Valley, and only in the hottest summer months.
The funniest rocks are kept in museums behind specially treated glass, under warning signs that say, "Danger! Do not break glass." Ambulance personnel must be on site during business hours.
Scientists can’t examine funny rocks because they can’t take them seriously.