Advice for Engaged Couples

Occasionally, a young couple considering marriage asks me for marital advice. When this happens, I must spend significant effort remembering what I told the previous couple. I finally realized I should write down my thoughts to be ready the next time I'm asked.

There are innumerable lengthy articles on marriage advice. None say as much as what I've written below with so few words. I could ramble on like the rest of them, but I have confidence in you. You don't need all them words.

The following applies equally to both husbands and wives. I use the word spouse instead of fiancée or fiancé because we’re supposed to treat people as they can become, not as they are now. That's another good principle to talk about on another day.

Here we go. I suggest you take notes.

Advice for young couples considering marriage

1. You know nothing.

2. You are born three times: at birth, when you are “born again,” and when you are married.

3. Marriage is the most difficult thing in life because it’s the most growth-producing.

4. All odd behaviors you see in your spouse now will be there forever.

5. Any unresolved weaknesses, fears, and issues from your youth you thought were resolved years ago will manifest again after you have children.

6. Don’t be contemptuous of your spouse. Contempt is the attitude that a person or idea is beneath consideration or is deserving of scorn.

7. You must let her be her, and she must let you be you.

8. Date every week. Don’t put your marriage on hold while you raise your kids. Share babysitting with other couples with young children (trade watching your kids).

9. Use humor generously. It reduces stress and fear and increases comfort and relaxation.

10. One of the most important parts of life is learning self-control.

11. Winning isn’t relevant.

12. Many problems, such as flat tires and appliance breakdowns, aren't anyone's fault. Do not turn your anger about the issue toward your spouse.

13. House of Cards analogy. Replace one card at a time over time for a better one as you progress in your marriage. Otherwise, the entire structure will eventually fall down, and it will be harder to address all issues at once.

14. Keep a secret list of all your gripes about your spouse. Not to keep score, but to put them out of your mind. Keeping issues in your mind reinforces them, whereas writing them down lets you not think about them and even forget them. Eventually, you will see patterns. Don’t confront your spouse with these patterns, but show support in those areas. She’ll love you more because you’re addressing her deepest needs without her knowing you’re doing it.

15. Think about the root causes of arguments. What is the true reason for the dispute? It’s often not what's being argued about.

16. Always have something to look forward to. It could be anything: going out to dinner on Friday, an upcoming birthday, tonight's dessert, or finishing a book.

17. Little things equal big things. There are many, many little things. Apply the No Big Deal principle as often as you can.

18. Give each other white space.

19. Have friends who help strengthen your marriage.

20. Never keep secrets (except your list); never lie.

21. Never talk badly about your spouse publicly. Praise your spouse publicly.

22. There are two stages of love. The first is during the first 5-12 years of marriage. The second starts after that. The second stage of love is real love.

If you can master these principles, then you'll do very well, even if some of them take you a lifetime, and that's okay. As you experience your life together as a couple, you can write your own list of advice for young couples, which will eventually look just like mine. And that's okay, too.