Advice for Engaged Couples

Occasionally, a young couple considering marriage asks me for marital advice. When this happens, I must spend a significant amount of effort remembering what I told the previous couple. I finally realized I should write down my thoughts, so I'll be ready the next time I'm asked.

There are innumerable lengthy articles on marriage advice. I could ramble on like everyone else, but I have confidence in you. You don't need all them words.

The following applies equally to both husbands and wives, both before and after marriage. I use the word spouse instead of fiancée or fiancé because we’re supposed to treat people for who they can become, not who they are now. That's another good principle to talk about on another day.

Advice for young couples considering marriage

Here we go. You'd better take notes.

1. You know nothing.

2. You are born four times: at birth, when you are “born again,” when you are married, and when you have children. Each of these events dramatically changes you and your spouse.

3. Marriage is the most challenging thing you can do because it’s the most growth-producing.

4. All odd behaviors you see in your spouse now will be there forever.

5. Any unresolved weaknesses, fears, and issues from your youth that you thought were long resolved ages ago will manifest themselves again after you have children.

6. Don’t be contemptuous of your spouse. Contempt is the attitude that a person or idea is beneath consideration or is deserving of scorn. Contempt is the most common cause of divorce.

7. You must let her be her, and she must let you be you.

8. Date every week. Don’t put your marriage on hold while you raise your kids. Share babysitting with other couples with young children (trade watching your kids).

9. Use humor generously. Humor reduces stress and fear and increases comfort and relaxation.

10. One of the most essential parts of life is learning self-control.

11. Winning isn’t relevant.

12. Many problems, such as flat tires and appliance breakdowns, aren't anyone's fault. Do not turn your anger about these events toward your spouse.

13. House of Cards analogy. Replace one card at a time over time with a better one as you improve your marriage. Otherwise, the entire structure will eventually collapse, and it will be more difficult to address all issues simultaneously.

14. Keep a secret list of all your gripes about your spouse. Not to keep score, but to put them out of your mind. Keeping issues in the forefront of your mind reinforces them, whereas writing them down allows you to stop thinking about them and even forget them. Eventually, you will see patterns in your list. Don’t confront your spouse with these patterns, but show support in those areas. She’ll love you more because you’re addressing her deepest needs without her knowing you’re doing it.

15. Think about the root causes of arguments. What is the real reason for the dispute? It’s often not what's being argued about.

16. Always have something to look forward to—all day long and every day. Never live a minute without "something" bright ahead of you. It could be anything: going out to dinner on Friday, an upcoming birthday, tonight's dessert, or reading a book.

17. Little things equal big things. There are many, many little things. Apply the No Big Deal principle as often as you can.

18. Give each other white space.

19. Have friends who help strengthen your marriage.

20. Never keep secrets (except your list); never lie.

21. Never speak ill of your spouse in public. Praise your spouse publicly.

22. There are two stages of love. The first is during the first 5-12 years of marriage. The second starts after that. The second stage of love is real love.

If you can master these principles, then you'll do very well, even if some of them take you a lifetime, and that's okay. As you experience your life together as a couple, you can write your own list of advice for young couples, which will look just like mine. And that's okay, too.