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Three Most Important Words In Marriage

Updated: Feb 18


Some people say truth is simpler than error and that it's easier to understand. I agree with both assertions based on my decades of experience on this Earth.


Most of the mathematics I've used in my engineering career haven't gone beyond multiplication and division. I use the hard stuff only when absolutely necessary. Rarely are complex engineering designs stronger, more reliable, or easier to maintain than their simpler counterparts.

What I'm getting at is don’t dismiss the following because of its simple plainness.

The three most important words in marriage

What are the three most important words in marriage? Most people think of “I love you,” “You are right,” or “I am sorry.” These are great words that should be used often. But they’re not the most important.

I proclaim that the three most important words in marriage are


“No big deal.”

  • When your spouse doesn’t do the dishes like you do, it’s no big deal.

  • When your spouse doesn’t buy that item on sale, it’s no big deal.

  • When the house isn’t quite clean enough, it’s no big deal.

  • When your spouse doesn’t talk to your children like you do, it’s no big deal.

  • And so on.

If you make such situations a big deal, then what you’re saying to your spouse is,


“What I feel or think is more important

than what you feel or think.”


Such is the very definition of contempt. Do you want to have contempt for your spouse?


Don't abuse them

Everyone on Earth understands the Biblical phrases, “Love they neighbor,” and “Follow me.” Where people get it wrong is when they attempt to impose those principles on other people by force or coercion.

The same applies to the three most important words in marriage.

The principle applies in only one direction:


Correct usage :

“I will do my best not to make my spouse’s actions a big deal to me.”


Incorrect usage:

“Honey, do the laundry my way because it’s no big deal.”


The phrase applies only to how I should react to my spouse, not how my spouse should react to me.


One-track mind

It's commonly said that men have a one-track mind. Women often claim they're better at multitasking than men. These cute thoughts produce countless jokes, but neither assertion is true. Read any reputable study on multitasking, and you'll learn that there is no such thing.


It's true, however, that whoever is the family's main breadwinner--whether male or female--will have more of a one-track mind.


Picture a mother during pre-historic times. A hundred things are happening in that cave with her seven children. It would benefit the family if the mother had a reasonable awareness of all those issues at the same time. This is a good thing.


Conversely, the father is out with a spear, trying to fight off a saber-toothed tiger. While he's aiming his spear, it wouldn't be good for him also to be thinking about the laundry or the upcoming sale at Glug's Groceries.


It's not physiology but rather the roles we take upon ourselves that make us different. Wives who are the family's main breadwinner will be more singularly focused than their husbands, and that's okay.


We're not the same

For whatever reason, we're not all the same under all conditions. We must not expect our spouses to be just like we are. He or she will be different than you, which is a good thing. Let your spouse be who he or she is, while your spouse lets you be who you are.


This doesn't excuse irresponsibility or insensitivity. This doesn't give you the license to stop communicating or contributing to the relationship or your family. It means that if you allow your spouse to be his or her best self, you will get a better spouse than if you try to turn him or her into you.


Follow this council, and you won’t often hear the words, “You don’t know how I feel.” Wouldn’t that be nice? And, if you're really lucky, you'll get better treats after dinner.

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